2: Mistake

There was once, a day uncle Jim tells the story of his life in his blog. It was the first time he publicized his story. The first public post was about him hating what uncle Abe had done to make granny angry, but then, granny never scolded uncle Abe.

Uncle Jim was so furious to the maid as well. She was interfering with uncle Jim's anger that in the end, as uncle Jim surpressed his anger to the maid, he was scolded hard by granny. He hates that; the part when he is to be blamed for everything, but uncle Abe was never being scolded at all.

Mom got her part to in that post. She commented, and that was all her mistake. She had surpressed her 20 years worth of feelings and objections towards what granny and grandad had made her to be what she is, but actually, what she was trying to say was, she lived through it. Her life was not at all perfect, but as she grew older, those depression that she felt before, those lines and rules that granny had set for her, the pressures and sorts, those were the things that kept her living and still going. That's what's important.

Maybe uncle Jim understood what was between the line that mom was trying to tell, but granny didn't. She was very sad and disappointed with what both of her eldest children had put in that blog. Granny shed her tears for that particular reason. And so does mom.

Mom had been feeling guilty and tried to apologize. But she was scared. Mom was so scared that granny wouldn't approve of her as their child that she cried day and night and asked GOD not to take her parents away. Mom had rarely even meet her parents for being so far apart from each other but, now, after what she had done, she was like throwing granny and grandad altogether. She felt real bad about it that she called in sick that day, and cried.

Granny then sent a message, of acknowledgement that uncle Jim and mom had apologized. She was so disappointed with both of her children but she said she loved them dearly. She said she was sorry that what she wanted of mom was interpreted into pressures and forces. Granny merel wanted mom and uncle Jim to be a better person in life.

Mom was so sad reading that message that she cried the whole day. She couldn't stop crying. She had told the truth of her old feelings, and that was her mistake. Mom had forgotten that her parents are two very special people that owns two fragile hearts. And now all the dreams and hopes of my grandparents were shattered to pieces, stabbed by what their children had written.

Mom said she doesn't actually care for whatever granny wanted her to do now, that's her life, the life before marriage. What mom had wanted when she was younger, all those things are just merely dreams that will never come true, and so be it. She doesn't care anymore, whether she has to marry a stranger, or whether she needs to be an engineer. What mom was trying to tell in that blog, is that, she cares more about what granny thinks of her, of what granny wants.

Yes, she had been pressurized by granny's dreams as well but, everybody experience pressure. Mom had been lucky to have survived college although she doesn't like what she studied. She actually fought of her young self and mature as she get through her hatred and live trying to love it. In the end, mom loves the person she is now than the person she was before, until she tells the story of her "before".

To grann, I really hope you would forgive mom. Mom cried and still is crying for her mistake. She's really sorry for what she had done. She just wanted to tell the truth, but was done the wrong way. Please understand her, as she understands you now~

1: talentless alter ego

my mom always loved photography. she's not really talented in taking pictures, but well, she had been trying so hard to learn that it becoming a part-time freelance photographer came to her mind. mom was almost so good in potrait photography that she even thought of competing in nationals. but her thoughts remains as thoughts..

mom bought her first camera at the age of 12. it was an i-zone polaroid. she took it to her first prom night, took pictures of everybody, and lastly, she learned that the film was absolutely uneasy to get. even until now. her first real camera, a dslr, bought at the age of 19. she went crazy afterwards!

however, poor her. as much as she wanted that particular camera, she had had some rules in using it, although it was hers. her parents were the problem. they thought she might lose her camera in an instant if she took it to her college.

so, in order to heal her heart that was missing her camera, with her phone unable to read any memory card, and her laptop wrecked and could not do work with it anymore, mom cheered herself by buying a new camera. an old type of analog camera; one that uses films; and its a lomo. it was a yellow ultra wide and slim lomo cam with jelly lenses. she bought it online, using my name no less!

mom has always wanted to be somebody who's not herself. an alter ego to whatever she is. that's why she created me, as an alter ego. her real self was someone who was not very reserved but she controlled herself well. she might not be an all-tudung type, but as she said she never wanted to go to a club, she never did. she hated being touched and held by people-even girls, sometimes- and she was a very fragile little person.

mom wears what she wants; red shoes with yellow baju kurung, boots and dresses, because that's who she is. she never wanted to be anyone but herself, although sometimes she wishes that she'd be rich so that she could come home more often. but deep inside, mom is a wild kinda person. she's wild at heart, as she puts it herself. that's the reason for the title, if u might want to ask why.

to find me a dad

i'm not alive actually. this is a mere playname my mom use to have fun with. she'd always loved this name. alyssa. she likes to pronounce it. its almost the same as alice.

mom was 20 when she created alyssa halqi. but i'm not alyssa halqi, i'm alyssa maznah. halqi was mom's favourite boy-figure when she was in standard 3. the boy was handsome, she said. and that was it. she created alyssa for a reason, to get away from her stalker. after being stalker-free, mom said she thinks the name is suitable and appropriate to be her daughter's name. another name she changed into was ailis saadiah, my sister.

alyssa, ailis and nabilla shares the same meaning. it means noble. mom was so intrigued of the meaning of noble in every languages available so she checked. she even liked the name alice, but it doesnt sound appropriate enough to name a muslim slash malay daughter the name alice. at last, the almost same names were chosen. alyssa and ailis.

mom was not exactly the popular type of girl. however, most of the people in her college knew her. it seems to me like the college was not big enough for mom to hide. but then, mom can just stay in her room if she were to hide herself. mom's friends; aunt mir, aunt gee, aunt bing and aunt yay was almost always with her all the time. what i meant with almost was that they seemed to be forgetting their girlfriends once their boyfriends came into picture. mom was the same.

but mom never stick to one person too long. the longest relationship she had was with uncle AzHaq. mind u, i must make this acronyms because i do not wish uncle AzHaq would know anything about this blog...or me. mom wouldnt let me anyways. anyway, this blog is about telling the stories of my mother trying to find me and ailis a dad. who would he be? is he mr. kawasaki ninja, or mr. someone granny arranged for her from dubai, or is he going to be mr. hang tuah, the ex boyfriend of mom that she once loved? not that uncle jim would like that to happen anyway, he loathes the man.or maybe its mr. AzHaq himself, or according to uncle jim, mr. mcd hakimi. lets just wait and see~